The first time I met you, we smiled, you led me into the house applauding how different i looked in person compared to photos. we sat in the confines of your living room; conversations over glasses of ‘Chateau Petrus wine’ turned into laughter over dinner at that delicious little soba spot in SoHo. I felt as alive and warm as the buzzing recess of that restaurant. you just seemed like the average, all too simple type and Somehow, I knew you were going to be a ton of fun.
You suggested we head out and drive around town, unaware how terrible I was at directions. I braved my navigational incompetence and helped us navigate, convinced I made the right choice. , we drove all around town, buying, drifting and laughing as we made life out of all our moments. when darkness fell i knew that for sure; my navigational incompetence was gonna pose a problem but nonetheless we made it all the way home.
You dropped me home and said goodnight.
The day after, you surprised me with a free spa treatment. I remember fidgeting in anticipation of the first haircut i was gonna get in years, let alone alongside you. And when you sat for the haircut, and you asked me to sit and get a haircut, a goofy smile dominated my face to which I turned back around and sat down to get the pampered treatment i so deserved and desired. I knew you were going to be unpredictable in the best way.
The first time you visited my neighborhood, I showed you my choice confectionery,since i knew very well that you still had your sweet tooth, you smiled and asked that we get something to eat but i declined cos we had a long evening ahead, didn’t wanna get all nauseous from eating and driving. I was feeling playful and started pointing at all the places i loved to visit, then half-jokingly you asked me to tell you all about them, I smiled and i knew we were gonna have ourselves a time around all these places..You were someone of unapologetic self-awareness, an infectious hunger for knowledge who constantly questioned others’ apathy. I was a nomadic spirit constantly leaping before I looked, who threw most caution to the winds that carried my whims.
You brought me outside of myself.
We never really even drank much on our meetings—it was actually refreshing how liquid courage was unnecessary to get to know you. You sent me silly Whatsapps of your room and made me laugh and reflect; I listened to your musings on the weather and the way people drove around us, firing off questions in attempts to understand the way your mind worked.
We spent hours together exploring, drinking wine everywhere (driving around, getting clothes , on the couch watching Dstv), smoking weed, playing games or simply lazing in the sunshine on your patio balcony and sipping wine with cake, while spying on your neighbors down below with the overachiever garden. You knew your way around the stove but you didn’t love to cook; you tried making some food for us to eat, which in turn turned to buying burgers from a fast-food shop and i laughed and ate to be nice.
It was a gorgeous, endless winter.
The distance between Africa and America became too far but not close enough.
Backwards to five days before. The last Saturday, where I stormed out because i felt angry not because of the way i felt but from the anxiety in my mind. I struggled to say bye partially because of the looming sadness I left knowing it may be the last.
I poured my fears out to you. In that moment, we were just two people equally together and alone. In that moment, I wanted to go back in time to the person you were and talk to you, tell you things would be okay. But I know you already know that they will be.
And then we realized, is this as far as we can go?
These are words of preservation, honoring a world in which you and I lived these days, sprinkled with silly jokes and weird animal nicknames. And I just wanted you to read them and know what they meant to me. I’m smiling because I will never view this city in the same way.
This is an I miss you, a thank you for being everything you are. For meeting me on that warm January day, for asking permission to lie with my name, for challenging my thoughts and giving me wings in a city that can be so harsh and frigid and wretched yet so maddeningly beautiful at the same time. For finding the courage to be vulnerable with me, even if it was only for a moment and the most you could find within yourself to give. And to let you know that I understand.
Like you said, maybe this isn’t goodbye, but the start of a fresh page for both of us.
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